I have improved. At least that's what I've been told, and that I have a good aptitude for fighting. If I could only silence my anger and fear, then things could be golden.
A couple weeks back I sparred with my "brother" Lee (who happens to be a black belt), both because it sounded fun and because I'd like to know how to defend myself. For a long time, as long as I can remember, I've wanted to know how to fight. To be one of those bad ass chicks who can wipe jerks who step out of line on the floor, doesn't that sound thrilling? Having the swag of someone who has nothing to be afraid of... that feeling of confidence lures me like mermaid song.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth... I mean, in the beginning, I really sucked. Almost all the punches and pokes got right through my feeble blocks and I was clueless as to how to defend myself against locks. When we finished I was covered in bruises, rather sore into the next day, but confident that I could get better. Even throughout that evening I learned a few things, like how to keep myself from getting choked, how to break my wrists free if someone has them, and to NEVER expose my back (while I learned this, I still forget from time to time...).
On Sunday night we sparred again, and I was faced with ankle locks, twisted arms, painful blocks, over-stretched muscles, and blocked arteries. Evidently, I almost blacked out, but I don't remember that. However, even though I got more injuries than the last time, I managed to deal out my share! More than once, even if it didn't last, I was on the offensive with all the advantage. Lee received a fair share of bruises. All that was missing was my will, the actual desire to win.
That needs to be rephrased. I WANTED to win with all my heart, but even though by nature I am a violent person, even though I talk some smack, I never truly want or enjoy inflicting pain on others. In order to succeed, a few rules need to be broken. This is generally true of most things in life. My fear of failure, my fear of actually hurting someone (which is for somewhat selfish reasons I'd rather not speak of), and my fear of success to some degree, keep me where I am.
Now, through my desire to overcome fear and reach a goal I've had for so long, I will continue to fight with a slightly bigger purpose than I originally intended. At least I can have fun with this goal! I'm thankful for those in my life who help me to see my problems and address them in ways I understand. Whether they be Lee who helps me fight, my sweetheart who helps me with things of the soul, or my Mother who helps me in daily life. So now, my loves, for all that matters in this life and the next, lets fight.